Amebo Plus: Charly Boy Adds Bad Spice To The Season.

Few of us like a Monday, but Amebo Pulse does for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.

Waoh! It’s the festive season again, the Christian one where people would have to be filled with good cheer and go around with an empty stomach searching for some goodwill food, drinks, wine, and women. Osho Free! But not to worry, in the spirit of the times, I also did the same. No be me one carry last, so I made sure I made a long list of all my rich celebrity friends, wore my Sunday best jumpers, and visited every one of them. So here’s what they gave me.
Banky W gave me the best of wine from Costa del sol, spain. And the best Cigar money can buy. Very classy shit. I drank and felt like a real gentle thief.
Wizkid gave me a free chick! But since it’s Easter, I prayed for her and went on my way. (true talk).
Terry G gave me the best weed available on the ojuelegba black market. I smoked a bit and called my doctor for help. No wonder he’s the way he is.
D’Banj didn’t have my time. He said he had plenty of kokolets to worry about a Gossiplet like me.
Cossy gave me a full jug of homemade milk. Very refreshing!
Jim Iyke threatened to beat me up if I come an inch close to his face-me-I-face-you. He wore white boxer shots (remember that).
Charly Boy gave me fried rice and chicken, but fear no allow me chop. The moment he looked away, I ran away.
So I went back home. Hungry and frustrated, so to punish them, I have decided to ignore the season, and bring you their entire gist. No  bad feelings, just doing my job…with a bad mind.
Good day my people, tori don start!

Don’t We Miss Her?

missing the witch of my life

We all love the site of Ghanaian Maami-water Yvonne Nelson. Who wouldn’t? There were nights when I stayed awake watching her pictures. My eyes kept staring at her sweet, long, sexy legs. The same legs which she threatened to insure. If she does that, then we have to pay for even looking at them. God no go gree. But after that, the last time we saw her was when she took some pictures that reminded us of the head of Lagos witch association and not an actress. But we loved every bit of it. Now she done loss, and we miss her like crazy.
Maybe because Ice Prince her new boyfriend, is very demanding in a 2face kind of way (the type where he leaves you with a new pikin). So to calm our fears, she posted a picture in which she revealed her pet name for Ice Prince Charming. She calls the poor guy My Aboki! How romantic! Imagine the type of noises that would go on during bedroom time. Aboki, Aboki, Aboki, Aboki…You gotta be joking. LOL.

Mikel, Score Goal Na?

I complain?

If you’ve been a half-decent follower of futuboll, including those of you peep through your neighbour’s window, you’d be well informed to know that John Obi Mikel never scores a goal! Never! Not in football, not even in Chick-Ball. Last week I was quite happy when I heard rumours of his marriage plans with an ex-beauty queen Sandra Okagbue. I quickly got on my knees and said a prayer for the spirit of 2face possessing him. I imagined what the girl’s mother could have done. You know igbo women na? she go don, tie her headtie for her waist, then sang and danced ‘Omekwa ya ozo, in a bigi way, jehova emekwalaya ozo… but Mikel no gree. Wicked Mikel. The woman sweat never dry before he gave an interview and ‘categorically’ stated that it was all a rumour. They swear for you? Even the disappointed girl later gave a weak-spirited interview denying the story. Sandra no worry, the God of Annie Macaulay is not asleep. He will do it for you. And as for you Mikel, call that chick now. She dey wait!

2face…again

baby 7…call me 7 baba

Frankly I’m tired of this plenty 2face gist. E don do. But not before we treat am this last time. After now, any gist bearer will be arrested and sent to kirikiri maximum…you know na. Na so! Wedding come, wedding go. Gossip come, but gossip no gree go. You fit hide fire, but smoke no get remote. Someone bought a brand new Chevrolet Corvette for 2baba, and then denied it. Just like that. Senate President David Mark bought a car for 2face his brother, but when EFCC were alerted, the man deny sharp sharp. You fit provide receipt? No! But the truth of the matter be say, weda na David Mark buy am, or na Goliath Luke bring am, na your gift 2face, so flex-utunu.
But come o, 2face, gist has come to me that Annie Baby will soon increase the world population by another little 2face, the legal one. Why don’t you just open a sperm bank? You are as fertile as the loamy soil. Always on point, always entering the place. Congrats man. We feel you.

Wizkid And Banky W Reconciliation

happily ever after…in love

‘The world is ending, Apocalypse is just by the corner, so make peace with all men, and may goodwill guide you home.” So Banky W pastor been preach last week, so the classy RnB singer walked back home with his ears fallen, and started the reconciliation process with Wizkid. So my dear Wizkid, do you promise to accept Mr. Banky as your musically wedded boss, for big deals, and small payments, In brokenness and in wealth, For better, for worse, till talent do you part? Yes? But have you checked with your lawyer?
And so they did. The two of them with the help of their lawyers are preparing a deal not for friendship (a small friendship can get in the way of big business), but that of mutual favorable working condition. Them no dey chop friendship. But we hear the deal is almost ready, and Wizkid will return back to EME. Amen!

Skuki, Best Investment Ever!

young sexual entrepreneurs

Here’s a recipe to never be broke. Get a skill, use that skill to make some money, then triple that money by investing in your area of strength.that is, where your greatest talent and interest lie. Skuki are doing just that. They’ve made some money from their hit Banger single, and are sure going to invest…but in condoms. They have decided to invest in a field where they are most talented. Sex. They hope to spend N150M to produce brand new condoms, and that my friend is admirable. Hope una never get HIV o? Anyhow sha, God bless your condom hustle. Any way na way!

Bill Gates, Reward For Hard work

just condoms…with shock absorbers

Still in line with the new-found lucrative business that condom making is, Bill Gates is on a mission to find the best condom ever made. Last week the world’s almost richest man promised a prize money of $100000 to anyone who produces an impressive condom. So after carrying out all my research, here’s the secret to winning that money. Produce a condom with a shock absorber. That will work. Good luck.

When Freaks Find New Voice

Call 911 if you see this man.

Charly Boy on Friday released a carefully written statement on the oga at the top saga. Na now wey day break for am. The speech was quite good, with lines that can only be stolen from Wole Soyinka. Nice one. I read through it nodding my head and almost falling in love until I got to the part where he said that because the country was busy laughing at the comedy show from NSCDC, gunmen robbed Murtala Mohammed International Airport, and also Boko Boys blew up 60 people in Kano, because they were laughing at the oga at the top. Mr. Charles Oputa (no nicknames please, I dey vex!), Can you ‘categorically, tell me that the 2 policemen that were killed in the line of duty at the airport were busy dancing to my oga at the top? Or that the 60 people that died during the Kano bombing all were singing ‘my oga at the top’? Oga or no oga, robberies will continue to take place, and bombings, I’m afraid is not abating any time soon. So Charles, before you try to fill in the Late Achebe’s shoes, get your head straight..please. But I didn’t expect much, not from a man who wears feminine makeup and says we’re wrong to think he’s gay, or carries human skulls and expect us to call him pastor Charly Boy. Airhead!